Our Stories, Our Characters

When characters become self-aware that they are naught but characters in a book, or only there for the entertainment of people. They try to show the others, but the author is cruel, and erases their memories of any such thing, leaving the main character alone in the knowledge that they are the only ones truly alive. Perhaps their alternate self comes along trying to make a difference, because they had ‘read the book’ and the main character is their favorite, and they want to change the ending.

How can we authors and writers be so cruel to the ones we care for, even if just words on a page or screen. I tell you, it is because we can, to hold a person’s life in our hands, to let go or pull away from danger. Perhaps our own story isn’t so great, being nothing but a play thing, a figment of imagination to millions of others. Perhaps those voices in our heads belong to the many voices of other main characters who had met their terrible end, and wish to warn us of things to come.

Some of us have a fairy tale life, while others are written as tragedies and horror. Those fleeting moments of deja vu are moments where the author comes up with a better line to use, a better description. Long moments of nothing happening because our authors have gotten stumped, perhaps this is our transition between dialogue and actions, leading on to our great climax.

For many this is the end, no more to be written, a small horror, drama, tragedy written in the fit of anger and frustration. Yet for others, it is just one book closed as the sequel is written, our next chapter. Those adventurous types, becoming saga length novels with many spin offs. The dull boring lives written as a homework assignment, perhaps just an extra put in as needed.

Many have gone mad, or gave up thinking on these things. More or less theories, there is no actual evidence of such a thing happening.

I will say this though, if it is true, then we are all a main character in some way, and our story has not yet begun. We are just in the prologue of our lives, and it may start tomorrow. For others, they near their peak of the story, nearing a conclusion yet to be written.

-Kenneth

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One Year Milestone!

So, its been a year(or so) now, and much has changed I suppose. Still, my only regret is not doing more blogging and writing for the dedicated readers all those months back. I’ve yet to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I’ve also liked to think that I’ve gotten better as a writer because of it. Perhaps, perhaps not.

Work starts in a few hours, so that’ll be fun, and it would be nice to get some kind of shut eye before going in. The pay is decent and alright, co-workers are decent people, thankfully. Let me tell you, customer service though is nothing to sneeze at, dealing with guests from all walks of life, for every decent guest I suppose there is a rude one. Such is life I suppose.

I’ve yet to do a memorial for mom or for grandpa, but that’ll be some time this year I guess. I suppose, that’s all I can say for the moment.

To my faithful readers, thank you. You new readers, welcome!

-Kenneth

One Step at a Time. Trust Me.

Have you ever encountered a slug on the ground? Have you just watched it move slow as possible? Quite cliché I know, but then you noticed a large amount of time had gone by without you realizing it? Yes, for you the slug hadn’t gotten very far, but to that slug it had gotten further than it was. That, is how depression works people, or at least those that are recovering from it.

One step at a time, and eventually you realize you are standing in front of a world wonder, according to you. You will wish to die every moment, if only to escape the total emptiness, or the feeling of doing something totally wrong. Just staring at nothing for a period of time. Maybe even fooling everyone around you by making them feel better will hopefully make you feel better. It doesn’t.

In order to get anywhere, you must realize, depression isn’t cliché. Just because you don’t actively think of ways to die, doesn’t mean that you are just slightly suicidal. I’ve read a few stories about how someone won’t actively seek suicide, but won’t prevent them selves from dying anyway. That, is suicidal. Be on the look out please, sometimes depression speaks up about death in jokes. “Oh when I die, I want so and so. This and that.” Please reach out to these people, even just listening helps. Look for the lack of motivation, people who worry just a little too much, who talk about money issues. Perhaps those that are far too cheerful. Robin Williams comes to mind here, one of the great comedy actors and hardly anyone knew how severe until after the fact.

Extreme anxiety can be easily explained away. Perhaps you suddenly break into a coughing spell when talking to someone, that feeling of dust in the back of your throat. What if they leave me, what if I’m too annoying. Maybe I’m just bothering them. No, you are not. The fact you would think of these is a wake up call. On the flip side things can get aggravating, just the sound of someone breathing will enrage you, your clothes will feel far too clingy, and the lights far too bright. Being aware of every thump, as the heart beats, feeling every little quake as someone walks around the house. That is sensory overload, perhaps another clue that people overlook, thinking that it only happen to them.

Prioritize, knock these worries out one by one until you don’t think in ‘what ifs’ but ‘what next.. hm’. Legitimate worries should be the first to be taken care of. If it’s bills I got a whole post for priorities right here. Above all else on that particular list, is to make sure you have enough food to last you 3 days. That’s it, three days. Then on that third day, find more food to last you three more days.

Just remember, not everything is as bleak as it seems. Sometime we must walk a long tunnel to see the light at the end. Life is unfair, for everyone to some degree. This does not justify your reasoning, it in fact should motivate you to get out of the situation.

Our current situation is not our final destination.

-Kenneth

P.S. I had forgotten to publish this ages back. Perhaps it is incomplete, it will just have to do. It seems finished.

She’s Gone.

So, here you are because of an interesting tag, or title. Perhaps in sympathy, empathy, apathy, or plain old amusement, I’m not here to judge.

So, I’ve been friends with this lady for about 7-10 years, we met on a forums while I was in high school. The few friends I’ve had from there are all doing their own things, yet we two still talked now and then. This is the year I cut those ties off, except for her. And now that is gone. Long distance friendships could be maintained, however crossing that murky grey zone between that and a relationship… is near impossible. I don’t believe it was a relationship in a common sense. I was just there to listen and just be there for her in their hard times. And for a month or three things got closer and closer.

Perhaps I chased her off, whether on purpose or accident is up for debate… Quite possibly the former. Was it truly a relationship, well, to the many no, it was not. Did she consider it a relationship, quite sure she did. If she happens to be reading this then I’m sorry. I still need my time to myself, and not quite in a situation to care for another at the moment. perhaps we could have worked through things, perhaps not.

The time to wonder about what-ifs and never-were is not now, if not ever. Has it ruined our friendship? Gods I hope not, yet I get the feeling it has. We haven’t chatted in weeks, she has quite obviously moved on. Plans up in smoke, dreams cracked and barely holding together, as well as the courage to type back. Nothing serious happened, overall I would say it was just a rebound perhaps on her part? Perhaps I am a monster for leading her on, partly to see what will happen, and partly purely on accident.

Never been in a relationship, no idea what to do, not that there was much we could do if I’m being a bit brutally honest. All I had done was listen and be there for her, and somehow she’d fallen in love with it. Perhaps, to a degree so have I. In her time of need, I was the ear to her woes, a shoulder to lean on for the moment, to help hold her together, and to pick up the pieces. All the while showing the way, and the many paths available.

Cold comforts though, from an equally cold screen in a bright glaring light. It is quite dangerous to fall in love, more like giving a person the trigger to the gun pointed at your heart. Perhaps its a good thing I never apologized on time, now that she has truly moved forward. I’d rather stand back, and be content with the fact that I’m not breaking her apart further. Kindness is more often than not a cold double sided sword, so much could have been avoided without dancing around issues. Near 10 years of friendship tossed into the wind.

Blame can go around to many, but here I’m angry at myself for believing anything can happen. I’m not ready, I wasn’t expecting so much trouble for being a friend. She is not ready for a big move, no matter how physically prepared. There is no guarantee that she’ll find a job around here, that my job will take care of the both of us until she gets on her own feet. She also has a child herself that I’m not sure of, that I’ve had to point out that she would have to take care of that one eventually. She Will miss home, and that she’ll be only happy for the moment.

We were not ready, no matter how much one wishes. Currently it can not be done. So now she’s gone, I’m one to blame for it. Tell me what I could have done better, tell me that we could have worked it all in the end. I know that, truly I do.

The only bit of advice I can give you reader, is be honest upfront. Make your intentions known, it will save much hassle. Kill them with kindness, be there for them then tell them you don’t want nothing serious. You may not be looking for a relationship, but they will fall for you nonetheless, and it will hurt because you reached out far too late to cushion the fall.

One could sit there an wallow in self loathing, or they could grasp that energy and do something about it. I say, spite the feeling, get out there and do better. We can’t change the past, we can only improve from here on out. We can feel the numbness when we sleep, and we can deal with it down the road. Goodbye sweetie, until then, take care of yourself, keep warm.

-Kenneth.

A little side note, this has been written down for ages, and I’ve just now getting around to posting it.

Passion

What does it take?

Anything you have, so long as you go for it. The road will be very bumpy, full of holes, and very much uncared for.

Is it Love? Dedication, Determination, perhaps even vengeance? Well, this is something you can relate to no matter what. It is Passion, what drives a person to keep going, obstacles be damned. We humans are very passionate about what we do, even when we don’t realize it… well especially when we don’t realize it. So dedicated we can be to be alone that we’ll strike out at anyone that stops us.

Chasing down our love interests, seeking our foes furiously, protecting those that we feel need it. Yes, we are a passionate lot in our individual interests. It is amazing how much fervor can be achieved when many come together for a plan, when one passion collides with another. Sadly even what makes us strong, also magnifies the negative in us as well. As much as we create, we humans destroy a good bunch of stuff as well.

Beware of your passions, like fire it breathes life, just as quickly as it takes it.

-Kenneth

Caution or Hoarding.

There is a generation gap, quite a few of them actually. Ever notice how grandparents(great grandparents probably today) have a storage of food? The stereotypical grandma making sure everyone has food? Well, think of it this way, they came from a time when they went hungry every other night. How their parents tried to save up food for winters and barren times. Recession and depression was the feel of their times. The more food became mass produced the more they stocked up.

It annoys many of their childrend and grandchildren to no end that they have freezers and storage space dedicated for food, yet they eat simple meals and snack foods. Well, they are preparing for another depression, of a time where food is hard to come by. Look at preppers today, all of the 20-30 some adults preparing for an apocalypse that might not even come. How many have gone without foods in the 2000s? What with all the diseases, weather, employee strikes, and droughts, a whole mark up in prices due to shipping costs.

There was a few times beef and pork was marked up double and triple the amounts because of shortages and disease. Ever since the war on terror gas prices have climbed from $1.98 to $4-5 for about 10 years or so. Sure these were somewhat minor issues for those with money, until we had to bail out multiple banks worth billions of dollars over the years. Stock market crashes, inflation, the average dollar lost its value for a while there.

Fine, we are in a disaster state, even if it isn’t quite pronounced, we have reached another ‘Plan for Disaster Jimmy, the world is ending tomorrow!’ round. 2012 passed us by, many regrets and issues in the wake of those preppers. It is like clockwork I tell you, every 30 years something will happen that will make people paranoid, thus making their offspring lax, thus starting the cycle over again.

I ask you this reader, are you prepared? Are you ready for what may come?

-Kenneth

Update:Still alive…Somehow.

So, I splurged and got a laptop, nothing crazy just a simple $180 thing to tide me over until I figure out what is wrong with my desktop. I love windows and therefore Microsoft, but they have plenty to answer for when their updates crash your computer, then have the nerve to blame it on the customer. Sure it COULD have been a software issue, outdated drives and what not… until you realize your drives are current, and nothing could possibly be conflicting with updates… but I digress, here I am after a month away, give or take.

I got a job, and that’s all I will say on that. It pays decently, and I will soon be able to take advantage of benefits.

This keyboard is going to take a while to get used to, already missing the extra spacing between keys. Still, this is apparently step one to getting ready to travel. Laptop can now be crossed off the list, now I just need a decent camera, and a major tune up on the van, some saved up money and I’ll be set up!

!!!

Really disliking the keyboard spread, typos a plenty. First world problems and what not. Things are looking up so far, I might even start house hunting soon, a base of operations/vacation from vacation I suppose. Even a one room flat with decent price would be welcome. Rent out my house to a family member, they’ve been house hunting as well, maybe. Tis a bit too early to say for sure.

Storytime will be updated soon, whenever I decipher my notes and what not. Thank you readers, those that have been checking in anyway, for being faithful. Trihazard, aka Kenneth, will not disappoint you yet. Be on the look out, posts about in the near future. You will just have to live with whatever typos there are this post, possibly the next ones as well.

-Kenneth