I’m an orphan apparently.

No joke. Honest to god my own father said that to me, well he asked me ‘what does it feel like to be an orphan now.’, direct quote no less. I couldn’t find it in me to bring myself down to his level and ask him ‘what does it feel like for your own son to declare you dead?’.  What the fuck is wrong with some people? Any chance of him wanting me to reconnect and start an actual father/son bonding thing has went back from whatever it was to zero. Honestly, how do you respond to such a question? It may be his upbringing, something about the old ones asking him that very question long back apparently.

Does he still resent my mom (not mother, mom) for doing the job he still can’t do today? Raise his own children? I don’t know, but this is a low blow, even if joking. I will admit, that stung, right to the heart being reminded she is gone now. Making it back home I just collapsed into my rocking chair and stared at the only picture I have of her hanging on the wall, specifically for these moments (the rest I put in storage until otherwise). I had thought I had gotten past this for a moment, I guess not.

Still though!

At this point i say it’s easier to just go home, try to have some fun to lighten the mood, and stay inside. Because for all I know, it’s just going to be a bad day out there, and there is no point on making the day worse than it has to be. All the good karma isn’t going to keep me out of trouble if I retaliate against the day. I’m hoping this bad karma will be balanced by whatever good I can manage to make for myself.

Selfish? Perhaps, but even we the individual need time to ourselves. Remember, there are points in life where you need a break, for yourself. It is not selfish, it is taking care of yourself first.


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