She’s Gone.

So, here you are because of an interesting tag, or title. Perhaps in sympathy, empathy, apathy, or plain old amusement, I’m not here to judge.

So, I’ve been friends with this lady for about 7-10 years, we met on a forums while I was in high school. The few friends I’ve had from there are all doing their own things, yet we two still talked now and then. This is the year I cut those ties off, except for her. And now that is gone. Long distance friendships could be maintained, however crossing that murky grey zone between that and a relationship… is near impossible. I don’t believe it was a relationship in a common sense. I was just there to listen and just be there for her in their hard times. And for a month or three things got closer and closer.

Perhaps I chased her off, whether on purpose or accident is up for debate… Quite possibly the former. Was it truly a relationship, well, to the many no, it was not. Did she consider it a relationship, quite sure she did. If she happens to be reading this then I’m sorry. I still need my time to myself, and not quite in a situation to care for another at the moment. perhaps we could have worked through things, perhaps not.

The time to wonder about what-ifs and never-were is not now, if not ever. Has it ruined our friendship? Gods I hope not, yet I get the feeling it has. We haven’t chatted in weeks, she has quite obviously moved on. Plans up in smoke, dreams cracked and barely holding together, as well as the courage to type back. Nothing serious happened, overall I would say it was just a rebound perhaps on her part? Perhaps I am a monster for leading her on, partly to see what will happen, and partly purely on accident.

Never been in a relationship, no idea what to do, not that there was much we could do if I’m being a bit brutally honest. All I had done was listen and be there for her, and somehow she’d fallen in love with it. Perhaps, to a degree so have I. In her time of need, I was the ear to her woes, a shoulder to lean on for the moment, to help hold her together, and to pick up the pieces. All the while showing the way, and the many paths available.

Cold comforts though, from an equally cold screen in a bright glaring light. It is quite dangerous to fall in love, more like giving a person the trigger to the gun pointed at your heart. Perhaps its a good thing I never apologized on time, now that she has truly moved forward. I’d rather stand back, and be content with the fact that I’m not breaking her apart further. Kindness is more often than not a cold double sided sword, so much could have been avoided without dancing around issues. Near 10 years of friendship tossed into the wind.

Blame can go around to many, but here I’m angry at myself for believing anything can happen. I’m not ready, I wasn’t expecting so much trouble for being a friend. She is not ready for a big move, no matter how physically prepared. There is no guarantee that she’ll find a job around here, that my job will take care of the both of us until she gets on her own feet. She also has a child herself that I’m not sure of, that I’ve had to point out that she would have to take care of that one eventually. She Will miss home, and that she’ll be only happy for the moment.

We were not ready, no matter how much one wishes. Currently it can not be done. So now she’s gone, I’m one to blame for it. Tell me what I could have done better, tell me that we could have worked it all in the end. I know that, truly I do.

The only bit of advice I can give you reader, is be honest upfront. Make your intentions known, it will save much hassle. Kill them with kindness, be there for them then tell them you don’t want nothing serious. You may not be looking for a relationship, but they will fall for you nonetheless, and it will hurt because you reached out far too late to cushion the fall.

One could sit there an wallow in self loathing, or they could grasp that energy and do something about it. I say, spite the feeling, get out there and do better. We can’t change the past, we can only improve from here on out. We can feel the numbness when we sleep, and we can deal with it down the road. Goodbye sweetie, until then, take care of yourself, keep warm.

-Kenneth.

A little side note, this has been written down for ages, and I’ve just now getting around to posting it.

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